Random observation of the day:
Jazz music is literally the perfect blogging music. Haven't tried writing poetry, prose, or novels to a jazz backdrop yet, but for blogging, it's beautiful.
Free, unrestrained, relaxed, and fresh. Gorgeous.
(Please note, this post does no necessarily predicate a long string of daily random observations)
25.3.13
:Fascinating:
I've got to be at least a little bit crazy, it think.
As a child, I used to wonder sometimes if my parents were hiding from me the fact that I had some sort of mental deficiency...I'd just feel like there HAD to be something wrong with me...
Even though, (apparently) there isn't.
Now, here I am, twenty-five, made it though elementary and high school, and three years of college ( with Dean's List-level grades), married, with two children, and I'm fairly positive that there's no mental deficiency here... So take that, six-year-old Sam...
You were wrong.
But that doesn't mean that life doesn't mess with my head. In fact, if anything, I think it messes with my head more now than it ever did in the past.
The strange thing is, if I try and disconnect myself from that mind-scramble and look at it objectively, I find it fascinating.
So maybe, six-year-old Sam, you were right.
It is, after all, crazy to say that you're fascinated by your depression, isn't it?
But that's exactly what this has been for me, even in its deepest, darkest, I-never-want-to-ever (ever, ever)-feel-like-this again-est moments.
Fascinating.
I have always been able to empathize to some degree with people, even if I haven't experienced the things that they are going through. I've been told that, to some degree, it is one of my gifts (though I would argue it's not one of my foremost gifts). So the concept of depression was not NEW to me when I discovered myself in the midst of it... I've never been one of those "just get over it" kind of people... But what I've seen is that this is definitely something that has to be lived through in order to truly understand it.
You can sympathize (and many people do, quite effectively), comfort, and walk alongside people in depression... Heck, you may even be able to conceptually understand what's going on, and it may make perfect sense to you.
But until you've been there, you don't know it.
I know it sounds cliché... But clichés are rooted in realities, aren't they? I strikes me that these things would never have become cliches if they weren't actually true over and over and over and over (ad nauseum) again.
And what I've found, now that I HAVE been there, is that it's incredibly fascinating the power that our mind has over our bodies, and indeed, over every aspect of our lives.
It's been intriguing to see how seemingly little things (things that, looking back, are really not a big deal at all, but in the moment seemed monumental) can flip a switch and drag you to what I can only assume would qualify as the "valley of the shadow of death", or "the darkest valley" that the Psalmist describes in Psalm 23...
...and yet...
Something a simple as remembering the fact that He IS with you, can flip that switch back the other way. It doesn't always happen quickly like that... Often, it's a few days or weeks to get back to the place of feeling like your feet are under you again, and like you understand how to think your way out of the paper bag you're in (after all, it's dangerous to put plastic bags on your head, right?)...but the light DOES come, always.
It ALWAYS comes.
So, six-year-old Sam...
I think you WERE wrong... There's nothing "wrong" with me... I'm just broken.
Broken, and learning to understand how to walk each day in the shadow of His love... Which sometimes seems to be more difficult than I'd like... But it's there, and it's ALWAYS enough...
Perhaps especially when I feel like everything's upside down and there's no way out.
Make that DEFINITELY when everything is upside down and there's no way out.
Except that there is a way out. And I know where it is.
I just need to keep sight of that and continue to walk towards it, even when I can't see.
As a child, I used to wonder sometimes if my parents were hiding from me the fact that I had some sort of mental deficiency...I'd just feel like there HAD to be something wrong with me...
Even though, (apparently) there isn't.
Now, here I am, twenty-five, made it though elementary and high school, and three years of college ( with Dean's List-level grades), married, with two children, and I'm fairly positive that there's no mental deficiency here... So take that, six-year-old Sam...
You were wrong.
But that doesn't mean that life doesn't mess with my head. In fact, if anything, I think it messes with my head more now than it ever did in the past.
The strange thing is, if I try and disconnect myself from that mind-scramble and look at it objectively, I find it fascinating.
So maybe, six-year-old Sam, you were right.
It is, after all, crazy to say that you're fascinated by your depression, isn't it?
But that's exactly what this has been for me, even in its deepest, darkest, I-never-want-to-ever (ever, ever)-feel-like-this again-est moments.
Fascinating.
I have always been able to empathize to some degree with people, even if I haven't experienced the things that they are going through. I've been told that, to some degree, it is one of my gifts (though I would argue it's not one of my foremost gifts). So the concept of depression was not NEW to me when I discovered myself in the midst of it... I've never been one of those "just get over it" kind of people... But what I've seen is that this is definitely something that has to be lived through in order to truly understand it.
You can sympathize (and many people do, quite effectively), comfort, and walk alongside people in depression... Heck, you may even be able to conceptually understand what's going on, and it may make perfect sense to you.
But until you've been there, you don't know it.
I know it sounds cliché... But clichés are rooted in realities, aren't they? I strikes me that these things would never have become cliches if they weren't actually true over and over and over and over (ad nauseum) again.
And what I've found, now that I HAVE been there, is that it's incredibly fascinating the power that our mind has over our bodies, and indeed, over every aspect of our lives.
It's been intriguing to see how seemingly little things (things that, looking back, are really not a big deal at all, but in the moment seemed monumental) can flip a switch and drag you to what I can only assume would qualify as the "valley of the shadow of death", or "the darkest valley" that the Psalmist describes in Psalm 23...
...and yet...
Something a simple as remembering the fact that He IS with you, can flip that switch back the other way. It doesn't always happen quickly like that... Often, it's a few days or weeks to get back to the place of feeling like your feet are under you again, and like you understand how to think your way out of the paper bag you're in (after all, it's dangerous to put plastic bags on your head, right?)...but the light DOES come, always.
It ALWAYS comes.
So, six-year-old Sam...
I think you WERE wrong... There's nothing "wrong" with me... I'm just broken.
Broken, and learning to understand how to walk each day in the shadow of His love... Which sometimes seems to be more difficult than I'd like... But it's there, and it's ALWAYS enough...
Perhaps especially when I feel like everything's upside down and there's no way out.
Make that DEFINITELY when everything is upside down and there's no way out.
Except that there is a way out. And I know where it is.
I just need to keep sight of that and continue to walk towards it, even when I can't see.
13.3.13
:Funny:
It's a funny thing, this.
This sense of disconnect, of un-attachment...
This dread that everything that goes differently than hoped or planned is a direct result of your actions...
This concept that...well...I don't know... Something's not right.
And it's not funny in the sense of hilarity, as if I just told some joke that demands a raucous response...
It's funny in the "I don't understand this" sense; the "what the heck is going on here" sense... The "dear God, there must be something wrong with me" sense.
And it's SO HARD to walk away from those feelings.
To deny them entry.
To disallow their ability to control, distort, and disassemble your life brick by brick.
It's a funny thing, this...
This sense of disconnect, of un-attachment...
This dread that everything that goes differently than hoped or planned is a direct result of your actions...
This concept that...well...I don't know... Something's not right.
And it's not funny in the sense of hilarity, as if I just told some joke that demands a raucous response...
It's funny in the "I don't understand this" sense; the "what the heck is going on here" sense... The "dear God, there must be something wrong with me" sense.
And it's SO HARD to walk away from those feelings.
To deny them entry.
To disallow their ability to control, distort, and disassemble your life brick by brick.
It's a funny thing, this...
11.3.13
:I Doesn't Talk So Good:
Being a bit of a writer (to varying degrees, depending on whom you speak to), one of my pet peeves is words or phrases which people use or pronounce horribly. There are many of them in our lazy English, so this is by no means a comprehensive list...but I just want to highlight the ones that came to mind (ironically enough, after hearing most of them in an interview on the radio).
Excetera-- this one doesn't make any sense at all, if you take a moment to look at the abbreviation, which is how we almost always write it nowadays. ETC. If it was supposed to be pronounced "excetera", it would likely have been abbreviated EXC. Also, it really sounds nothing like the Latin roots this phrase has, if you put the "x" in there.
Expresso--it's not super fast coffee, and it's not named because it gives you a bigger, faster caffeine kick. It has nothing to do with FAST anything. It's just a method of preparing coffee, and it's called ESPRESSO.
Probally--I'm pretty sure this ones the fault of our Internet and texting culture-- prlly goes back to just seeing it shortened like that a few too many times, and then it creeps into your speech before you know it. Funny enough, "prolly" (a variation on this one) shows up in many auto-correct programs, now.
Could Care Less--so are you trying to tell me you DO care about this, or that you DO NOT care about this? If it's the former, great. You did it! If it's the latter (which it usually is), I'm sorry, but you have it backwards. See, if I COULD care less about something, it means that I DO care for it, because I am capable of caring less than I currently do. However, if I COULD NOT care less about something, it means that I am literally incapable of caring less than I already do--in other words, I don't care (except that when it comes to the use of this phrase, I do care).
Inkstinct--really? You just made this word WAY more complicated than it has to be. Take it easy on yourself.
Ezackly-- here's one where you should take your "x" out of the first two words I mentioned, and stick it in here instead. There's never been a "z" in this word... And there's always been a "t" and an "x". I don't think Zack really has anything to do with whether or not something I said was bang-on-correct.
Axe a question--not sure what the purpose of swinging chopping tools at questions would be, but hey, if you want to do that, go ahead. Just remind me to keep a safe distance, in case that axe goes flying.
Irregardless-- this one is tricky, because it actually is a word. However, the definition of it in most dictionaries actually states that this word is a combination of two others, and that it is better off avoided, because it is sloppy English. So, regardless of what you may think, try sticking with "regardless" or "irrespective", instead.
Periphrial-- I, for one, never learned about periphrial vision in school. I remember learning about how we can see straight ahead, and how we have peripheral vision to see things on the fringes... But periphrial? If someone can explain to me what on earth that is, I'd appreciate it.
Excetera-- this one doesn't make any sense at all, if you take a moment to look at the abbreviation, which is how we almost always write it nowadays. ETC. If it was supposed to be pronounced "excetera", it would likely have been abbreviated EXC. Also, it really sounds nothing like the Latin roots this phrase has, if you put the "x" in there.
Expresso--it's not super fast coffee, and it's not named because it gives you a bigger, faster caffeine kick. It has nothing to do with FAST anything. It's just a method of preparing coffee, and it's called ESPRESSO.
Probally--I'm pretty sure this ones the fault of our Internet and texting culture-- prlly goes back to just seeing it shortened like that a few too many times, and then it creeps into your speech before you know it. Funny enough, "prolly" (a variation on this one) shows up in many auto-correct programs, now.
Could Care Less--so are you trying to tell me you DO care about this, or that you DO NOT care about this? If it's the former, great. You did it! If it's the latter (which it usually is), I'm sorry, but you have it backwards. See, if I COULD care less about something, it means that I DO care for it, because I am capable of caring less than I currently do. However, if I COULD NOT care less about something, it means that I am literally incapable of caring less than I already do--in other words, I don't care (except that when it comes to the use of this phrase, I do care).
Inkstinct--really? You just made this word WAY more complicated than it has to be. Take it easy on yourself.
Ezackly-- here's one where you should take your "x" out of the first two words I mentioned, and stick it in here instead. There's never been a "z" in this word... And there's always been a "t" and an "x". I don't think Zack really has anything to do with whether or not something I said was bang-on-correct.
Axe a question--not sure what the purpose of swinging chopping tools at questions would be, but hey, if you want to do that, go ahead. Just remind me to keep a safe distance, in case that axe goes flying.
Irregardless-- this one is tricky, because it actually is a word. However, the definition of it in most dictionaries actually states that this word is a combination of two others, and that it is better off avoided, because it is sloppy English. So, regardless of what you may think, try sticking with "regardless" or "irrespective", instead.
Periphrial-- I, for one, never learned about periphrial vision in school. I remember learning about how we can see straight ahead, and how we have peripheral vision to see things on the fringes... But periphrial? If someone can explain to me what on earth that is, I'd appreciate it.
4.3.13
:Depression:
Oh, how I hate that word.
Oh, how I hate the feelings that go along with it.
Or the lack of feelings.
Or the inability to express those feelings.
Or the fact that once things have started to feel like they're going really well again, the smallest thing can break the fragile ice that's holding the surface together.
There really aren't many things in life that I can honestly say I hate.
But depression nears the top of that list.
Is it actually okay to hate something?
Is it actually okay that I just admitted to that?
Oh, how I hate the feelings that go along with it.
Or the lack of feelings.
Or the inability to express those feelings.
Or the fact that once things have started to feel like they're going really well again, the smallest thing can break the fragile ice that's holding the surface together.
There really aren't many things in life that I can honestly say I hate.
But depression nears the top of that list.
Is it actually okay to hate something?
Is it actually okay that I just admitted to that?
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