:Artwork:

I just want to share a piece of artwork that I've just recently finished. It's not "conventional", per se, in the sense that it still centers around words (my primary method of "painting")... but it is, in the sense that it DOES contain paints and colours, thanks to my daughter.

So in effect, it's a co-crafted piece that I really like. It's the first time I've tried something like this, so it was an experiment in a lot of ways, but I was pretty happy with the result.

So here it is (sorry, the scanner wasn't QUITE big enough to get it all, so the edges are missing on a couple sides):

And here's what it all says:

“Red & Green”

Artwork: My Daughter, Age 2

Words: Sam Geleynse, May, 2013

I just don't understand the way things work in life

And it seems that there's always a war in my mind

Where I can't seem to outrun these trials I find

And my heart screams out for a change to come inside.

I find myself running from who I know I am,

Because I'm scared of who I know I have become.

Or maybe it's not that this is who I am,

But it is who I've been,

So here you find me.

The thing is that I just want to figure this out—

To have just some answers to counter my doubt—

To curb all my worry and silence their shouts;

I just want Lord to see, but I feel like I can't.

It feels like life's making a game out of this.

I know that these things are not in my control,

Yet it seems that I'm bent on running them all.

Why is it that when I most want to trust

Seems to be just when my capacity to trust gives up?

Why can I run myself so ragged and then still never grab hold

Of the reality of the things I'm doing to myself?

Why, why, why?

Let go... But how?

To trust... But with what?

So then there are the times my head and heart feel like the chaos on this page--

A mass of black and red and green and blue each somehow symbolizing something and even in the midst of all the visual noise,

I know quiet...

But quiet in the sense that I know... not in the sense that I feel...?

This seems to be one of those times when you realize

That the longest journey really IS from head to heart.

But then you also realize that your head feels--or is ill-equipped to—tackle its part of the journey,

And your heart just feels too tired to even try and take the first step.

But it's that first step that needs to be taken, because without it, the journey will never even happen.

But I suppose THAT may be the point—as long as the journey isn't taking place, nothing is changing.

And if nothing is changing, then you're actually dead, aren't you?

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that last time I checked,

Dead men weren't much use to anyone,

Except to mourn over what was and what might have been, had said man still been breathing.

The thing to me all comes down to this and the fact

That just because you're a breathing, biological being doesn't mean you're alive.

It seems that life is more than living alone;

Life is thriving, dreaming, laughing, loving, making

—in the end—the most of the days you're given so that in the end no one can say of you:

“He never lived”

...So how do we live?

How do we thrive?

How do we make sure that in the end, they can look at us and say with no hesitation whatsoever--

“He made the journey happen!”

Where?

What?

Why?

When?

How?

We're taught to value these questions from a young age, but I have to ask—

Have they bred a need for answers to everything?

Have they eliminated our ability to be okay with mystery?

With the unknown?

With the things we don't understand and may never have answers for,

And should be simply taking on faith?

When did knowing become so necessary?

Do I really need to know?

Do I?

:Moments:

It's that moment when you realize you're feeling stuck because you're not sure which way is up.

It's that moment when you realize that you've been fighting yourself, and you're not sure how to win that one.

It's that moment when you realize you've been spinning your wheels because you've been in neutral this whole time.

It's that moment when you realize you're not sure you remember how to dream.

It's that moment when you realize you're sick of only being able to see the moment, unable to look beyond the now.

It's that moment when you realize that you're not sure where you're headed, because of all those other moments.

It's that moment when...when you realize you're really asking "who the heck am I, anyway?"-- even though you thought you had already answered that question long ago, and are pretty sure you know it deep down inside... But it's so far down, and it's hard to see or hear or reach...and there's 

so. 

much. 

garbage. 

to dig through in order to get there...

It's that moment...and I'm not sure what to do with it...or where to go with it... Or even how to honestly  express it.

So there you have it. 

You'll have to excuse me...

I just need a moment...

:(no title):

And just like that, the fruit flies are back.

I think that when the gnats left Egypt, they must have come to Kelowna, because you practically breathe he dumb things in when the weather gets warm here. Try as you may (even keeping fruit and veggies exclusively in the fridge), they are EVERYWHERE. Crazy bugs.

Today was the first day of the year so far where you could step outside at eleven PM and not notice a drop in temperature between the average interior house temperature and outside. If it wasn't for the slight breeze, that is. The weather has been just gorgeous lately...pretty much a constant reminder of why people flock here for our summers.

It's a funny thing, this worrying business. Really, in a lot of ways, worry makes you feel bipolar...in the sense that it can come out of nowhere and virtually disable you--make you feel like you're functioning as a completely different person... Which I guess is where the big difference comes in--you KNOW you're functioning differently, even if you're seemingly powerless against it. As I understand it, bipolarity strikes and you're not aware that you're actually functioning out-of-the-ordinary...you just are.

I think Jesus must have known how much we would worry (I wonder what extent he dealt with it in his own life--or did he, since he had a proper relationship with his father?), and that's why he took intentional time to teach strongly on it. Still, in the day-to-day, it seems that this "consider the lily" business is easier said than done (maybe the fruit flies are getting in the way). Why is it do difficult to trust and function from that place even when we've seen it taken care of so many times?

More to the point--I preached on this a couple weeks back. Why is trust so difficult? Why is faith and belief so challenging? Why do we question and worry when we know Him to be faithful? Why are we so bad at reminding ourselves, and so poor an example to those who look to us to set an example?

:I Know No-tingk!:

Hogan's Heroes, anyone?

I'm just gonna put this out there...

I've got nothing figured out. Like I mean NOTHING.

Or at least, that's how it feels sometimes. I just feel like I'm a little kid, except the problem is, no one else seems to have my answers.

It's just hard not to feel like maybe you've lived your whole life with the wrong perspective or philosophy on some things... Like maybe you're expecting too much from life, and really, you just need to get over yourself and realize that it's even tougher than you thought.

Like with jobs, for example. On the one hand, I've got this sense that I should be able to enjoy myself in my work...to take pride in what I do... Maybe even (dare I say it?) do something I love. Really, though, when it boils down to it, I'm not even expecting that... As much as I'd love that, heck, at this point, I'd settle for a job that I was okay with, and working hours that weren't out to lunch. It feels like I've got either one or the other on the go here (either the hours or the job)...nothing seems to fit the bill of both.

Then on the other hand (and at the risk of sounding like the Father from Fiddler on the Roof), there's that view that everyone else seems to have an easy enough time passing on to me--that maybe I just need to work a job that I don't like for a while because the pay is good, and it might free me up to pursue other things.

Which, in the end, just ends up feeling like I'm being told to man up, get over myself, and do what has to be done, regardless of what it does to me as a person, or how it affects my spirit.

Maybe that's the truth, maybe not. Maybe I do have it wrong--maybe I'm somehow living out of a sense of entitlement, that I should be able to do the things that I am passionate about and somehow support my family that way...maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm bang on.

Either way, I have nothing figured out.

I'm not asking for someone to give me the answer, unless somehow you actually magically have it, in which case, I still don't know if I'm actually asking for someone to give me the answer.

But it's my wrestle right now... And it feels like it's taking over everything. I guess it makes sense that it would be my wrestle, and that I'd be sick of wrestling with it. I've spent the past five years working two jobs, at somewhere between 60-70 hours a week, depending on how things have gone. Doesn't leave a lot of time for anything else. And it feels like when I think I've got an answer, something falls through or proves itself to be far different than hoped for, and we're back to square one as far as my headspace is concerned. Don't hear me wrong: I love the job I work at the church, and wish I could be doing more of that. And my job driving taxi? The job itself is fine. I've really got no real complaints with it. But the hours are starting to be harsh. Sure, there are perks to how it arranges the schedule, so that I'm home during the day and whatnot... But is messing with my system to be up at night like that... And I think in turn, it's messing with my head.

It's one of those times in life when you realize that your perceptions growing up were wrong--things don't always make more sense once you've gotten older... Answers aren't necessarily clearer just because you're not a kid anymore, and your parents were probably more lost and confused by life than you ever thought they were. It just doesn't go and sort itself out for you.

Then again, I guess it wouldn't be much fun if it did, now would it?

Still, it'd be nice for some things...