:Courageous:

"The only way we'll ever stand is on our knees with lifted hands"

This is a line from a song by a band (haha, vague statement of the century!) that I used to listen to all the time. I mean ALLTHETIMESEVER. 

Not this song specifically, because it only came out a year or two ago... But their previous  albums. I listened because they brought challenge. They were willing to speak out against the laziness and hypocrisy they saw in the lives of the average North American believer--but to do so in a challenging and grace-filled way...a way that made no bones about what was wrong, and yet didn't come across as whacking someone across the forehead with a crowbar.

Their music was refreshing to me in its honesty and challenge. The band is called Casting Crowns.

The line above is a line from a song off their (I believe) newest album, called "Come To The Well". The song is titled "Courageous", and speaks of the challenge and calling of what it means to be a godly man, leading your family, etc.

I've heard the song in the background many times before our Sunday morning services at The Well, the church where I lead worship every week. Yet somehow, I never listened to the lyrics. It's funny how so often the things that are right in front of us are the things that we miss the easiest.

It was also one of several  songs my wife gave me as a gift for Christmas this past year (she did the 12 days of Christmas for me, with a new gift each day...), and yet, for some reason or another, I have listened to all the other songs she gave, except for this one. And now, having listened to the words, I am humbled and blessed by the godly woman I am married to--a woman who often knows the things I need to hear before I even realize I do myself. A woman who has been praying fervently for me as I've struggled with my depression, and has been an anchor and support in more ways than I even realized...

Because I've been missing what is right in front of my eyes.

I've known that she's been praying--but I don't think I grasped how hard.

I know that she's been support--but I don't think I always see clearly the weight resting on her shoulders.

I know that she's been rooting for me--but I haven't always seen how diehard a fan she really is.

I know that she cares for and loves me--but I don't always notice how deeply and stubbornly.

All this, not because she hasn't been saying it or demonstrating it all along...

But rather, because I've been too distracted to notice it as often as I should be. I've never questioned once anything that I mentioned above...but I also certainly haven't always told her what it means, or even been aware of the vastness of detail and thought put into everything--even a song that voices a prayer that she's been praying since the day we were married, and probably before.

I love my wife more than words can say. The depth of who she is represents a miracle I don't think I will EVER be able to grasp. The words of the Holy Spirit come out through in challenge, love, and rebuke, but always, ALWAYS from a place of desiring to see me be the man that she saw inside of me the day we first met...even when I'm scared that I don't know how to be that man, or when I'm feeling too tired to fight to be who I know I am.

She has demonstrated courage through my depression in a way that I have never understood...and set an example for me that I am floored by. She has been courageous.

I pray that as I stumble my way through this season, I would come to see and experience what it truly means to "stand...on my knees with lifted hands"... Because that's the only way...it's the only chance I've got at being the man I've so often got difficulty seeing, but my incredible partner in life sees relentlessly and cheers on through her tiredness, frustration, tears, and own set of challenges.

I don't know what else to say. I'm humbled and amazed to be called your husband, and to be the lucky guy who gets to walk alongside you and receive your love, not because I always deserve it, but because of who and what you see in me, and your desire to see that come through. You truly are more than any guy could ask for.

Here's to stepping forward in courage. Here's to living life because He has "made us to be courageous".

Honey, here's to you. ;-) 

Every guy should be as lucky as me.

:Honesty:

I think that when I'm honest, I scare myself.

I am scared to admit the things that are running through my head, scared to entertain the things that may actually be going on... All because it somehow makes me feel like I'm more broken than I'm willing to allow myself to be.

I'm scared to admit that I am upset that things aren't going the way I want me to be going. I am frightened to even dare suggest that I am sometimes choked at God, and that I feel like I am being picked on or beat up on, even though I know that it's not true. 

I am scared to admit how scared I am of not having direction, how prideful I am to think that I should somehow have  all the answers, and how foolish I am to think that I have any control whatsoever on the outcome of my daily decisions (in the sense that I cannot change the effect that my actions have--do this, and x, y, z WILL inevitably happen).

I'm scared to admit that I am broken. That I don't know. That I wish I was doing something that is meaningful with my working hours, but that at the same time, I understand that my attitude towards the jobs I DO have may be part of what is keeping me from actually achieving productivity and meaning within that realm (not to say that I couldn't be doing something else, but everything CAN have meaning if its approached properly).

Really, I'm scared. And maybe what scares me the most is that I thought by this time in my life, I wouldn't be. I thought, growing up, that when I was an adult, I wouldn't have these fears that plague me now. And now, I find myself wishing for when life was simple again... Oh, the things we don't see from our limited perspectives. 

So yeah, I'm scared that I am scared. And I know who has the solution, I've just made excuses (and been too busy) to really take the time to sit down and listen. 

I'm still overly busy... That hasn't changed, even though it does have to, and soon.

But I DO need to be more intentional about listening.

:Proverbial:

It's a weird place I find myself in today.

I guess it's a place I knew I was in...

...it's just that I didn't know I was in it.

It's that place where you suddenly realize that the reality of your life is that you have been so busy and preoccupied that you have forgotten (sometimes quite literally), and need to re-teach yourself how, to just be still. 

To rest. To be quiet. To listen.

It becomes obvious when you feel your head is too jumbled to form a coherent thought. When any decision, or suggestion for the future creates an instant (not even kidding!) hurricane in your mind, and there's no "happy place" you can escape to inside of yourself anymore, because Hiroshima just happened within the confines of your skull.

It becomes apparent when you realize that the only reason you've been able to continue to speak or lead in ministry is because somehow, by the grace of God, you've been able to function at least marginally out of your heart rather than your head for those things, which is TOTALLY a God-thing, because the two usually go hand-in-hand, and it has to have been God accessing these things inside of you, because even as you speak or sing them, you realize that the words spilling from your lips are probably more for you than for any other person in the room at the moment.

It's when, even though it's a rather 'no, duh!' statement, you scream at the sky that there's no way that you can keep balancing 10-15 hours a week at one job, 50-55 hours a week (night shift!) at another, and still function at even a nominal level while trying to engage in meaningful relationships with anyone, least of all your wife and two young daughters, who should be getting FAR more of your best time, and yet have to sit and patiently try to help hold you together because you're so far past being able to do that yourself. 

And yet, at the same time, you know inside that it's not your responsibility, or theirs, to keep you together. 

But this is survival mode. 

It's too little sleep and too much coffee. 

Too many hours awake, and not enough resting. 

Too much work, not enough play. 

Too many conversations that drain, not enough experiences that fill. 

Too many weeks leading, not enough being led. 

Too much time worrying, not enough time trusting. 

Too much thinking, not enough writing. 

Too much stuffing, not enough unloading. 

Too many valleys, not enough gumption (weird word, eh?) to try climb up and out to the mountaintop to breathe some clear air and give your head a shake.

Too much of not enough.

Which is, obviously, completely self-destructive, and entirely unwise. But I know I'm not the only one (which, incidentally, doesn't make this whole ordeal ANY easier at all...even though it? maybe? should?)

To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, (Proverbs 1:2 ESV)

Oh, to know! To understand! This is my battle, by war, my brain-cell-holocaust. Unfortunately for me, it's been too often on the basis of wanting to understand things that I simply shouldn't... like, for example, EVERYSINGLEDAYOFTHERESTOFMYLIFEMAPPEDOUTINDETAILINFRONTOFME.

Yeah, I know. Stupid, eh? Yet, somehow, my introverted, I-think-I'm-philosophical brain seems hell-bent on sabotaging my sanity by insisting on answers to everything. 

P.S.: when it really boils down to it, I know that I'd be happy with just the next step... but what to do when you don't even feel like you're getting that?

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7 ESV)

While I hope with every fibre of my being that I'd not be considered a fool, I know that there are times where my 'fear of God' is definitely more of a 'vague awareness that God is there', maybe with a side of 'thanks for the security when I feel like I need you'. Suffice it to say, I don't think that's what He's particularly looking for. 

In fact, I know it's not. 

And yet, in my search for understanding, for answers, for wisdom and direction, I'm functionally challenged in this regard, according to my track record. 

'Fear of the Lord' communicates the idea of a strong, whole-self awareness of God and who he is, what he's doing, and who you are in relation to him. It anticipates a strong connection to his words, obedience to his promptings, and a desire to pursue his will before anything else...IN EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE. 

Yikes.

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. (Proverbs 4:20-22 ESV)

For all the time I've spent screaming at the ceiling (in the 'safe' silence of my own head) for 'healing', I've remained blind to the answers sitting right in front of my face. I'm talking holistic healing here-- not just physical... but emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, etc. I fully believe that there's something out there I'm supposed to be doing right now. But I've been so mired down and tied to my tangled mess of WHERETHEHECKISTHEPATHFROMMYHEADTOMYHEART, that I really haven't looked in all the places I know I should.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23 ESV)

And therein lies the rub. My heart has been hurt. It's been stormed, besieged, and attacked, and I haven't always done a great job at keeping it. Or feeding it, for that matter. Why? Because life is WAY too busy. Because I'm afraid of drawing boundaries for myself and for my family. Because I consciously and subconsciously worry about how other people will respond. Because I'm too tired.

Because I let these, and many other things, be excuses, rather than reasons. There's a HUGE difference between the two. If only I would begin to function properly in regards to this. 

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. (Proverbs 4:25 ESV)

And how many times have I let my gaze slip from the goal ahead? Have I always 'run with perseverance'? Sadly, I'm saddened by my track record *pun unintended*, and am gladly amazed that God is still willing to wrestle through this with me... even when I feel like my questions or remarks are going to all come out angry, upset, or snarky. It's surprising the attitude I sometimes find myself in, and then realize... wait a second. I'm pulling a Jonah or an Elijah, sitting here, choked at God for something I feel I'm somehow entitled to...and God looks at me...probably shakes his head and says 'here we go again', and tries to tell me that, like them, I need to get over myself, pick myself up by my bootstraps, and be a man!

I say 'tries', not because God doesn't succeed in telling me... but rather because I do not always succeed in listening or obeying, rather than continuing in my slough of despond.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. (Proverbs 8:17 ESV)

THIS is it. My answer. The thing I knew all along. My step forward. SEEK DILIGENTLY. 

Now, to make it happen.

:Testament:

This very ground tells a story...

One of fire and pain.

Of ravaging, searing, complete brokenness.

Of battles--a war--of life thought to be lost.

One of bruises and scars, charred sentinels of the fallen.

Ten years out, and the soil still feels ashy beneath my bare toes--new growth sprouting where flames once burned.

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This heart tells a story, also.

One of fire and pain, loss and gain.

Of searing questions and broken dreams

Of battles--real and imagined, fought inside of me.

One of bruises and scars, a testament to the fight I always seem to think I need to put up...

...before realizing sometimes it's better just to let go.

Ten years out...and there are shoots of something, but I can't tell what. Hopes for anything, anything, but...

Some days this heart feels ashy beneath your touch. Burned out, tired, stripped of what was.

If that's the answer to growth, ouch. 

If that's the path to renewal, *gasp*.

If that's the way forward, how?

It's so hard to be anyone when you aren't quite sure you remember who 'you' is.

Then again, maybe 'me' is the problem; it should be 'You'.

Ouch. *Gasp*. How?

:Mountaintops:

What is it about the mountaintop that screams so silently to our soul?

Where resides the magnet that draws inexorably, calling, beckoning, seducing, begging to meet--yet somehow content to wait until we are ready to heed and follow the yearning to go?

Maybe it's the remov-ed-ness. 

The solitude.

The sense that somehow, by simply following the winding trail up the outcropping of granite, we step out of our norm and into something uniquely different.

Something spiritual.

Something other.

Maybe it's because it feels like the heaviness of life can't follow us up that hill... Or maybe it's because ultimately, the heaviness of life died with one man on a hill long ago...

Maybe that, in the end, is the significance of the mountaintop. 

Above, removed from it all. Silence. Solitude. Closeness to God...

...and the knowledge that it was a mountaintop on which the very weight we seek to unload was lifted off our shoulders and removed forever...

...and the feeling of his breath across our backs, past our faces, whispering...

"Sit with me a while. I've been here all along."