:Proverbial:

It's a weird place I find myself in today.

I guess it's a place I knew I was in...

...it's just that I didn't know I was in it.

It's that place where you suddenly realize that the reality of your life is that you have been so busy and preoccupied that you have forgotten (sometimes quite literally), and need to re-teach yourself how, to just be still. 

To rest. To be quiet. To listen.

It becomes obvious when you feel your head is too jumbled to form a coherent thought. When any decision, or suggestion for the future creates an instant (not even kidding!) hurricane in your mind, and there's no "happy place" you can escape to inside of yourself anymore, because Hiroshima just happened within the confines of your skull.

It becomes apparent when you realize that the only reason you've been able to continue to speak or lead in ministry is because somehow, by the grace of God, you've been able to function at least marginally out of your heart rather than your head for those things, which is TOTALLY a God-thing, because the two usually go hand-in-hand, and it has to have been God accessing these things inside of you, because even as you speak or sing them, you realize that the words spilling from your lips are probably more for you than for any other person in the room at the moment.

It's when, even though it's a rather 'no, duh!' statement, you scream at the sky that there's no way that you can keep balancing 10-15 hours a week at one job, 50-55 hours a week (night shift!) at another, and still function at even a nominal level while trying to engage in meaningful relationships with anyone, least of all your wife and two young daughters, who should be getting FAR more of your best time, and yet have to sit and patiently try to help hold you together because you're so far past being able to do that yourself. 

And yet, at the same time, you know inside that it's not your responsibility, or theirs, to keep you together. 

But this is survival mode. 

It's too little sleep and too much coffee. 

Too many hours awake, and not enough resting. 

Too much work, not enough play. 

Too many conversations that drain, not enough experiences that fill. 

Too many weeks leading, not enough being led. 

Too much time worrying, not enough time trusting. 

Too much thinking, not enough writing. 

Too much stuffing, not enough unloading. 

Too many valleys, not enough gumption (weird word, eh?) to try climb up and out to the mountaintop to breathe some clear air and give your head a shake.

Too much of not enough.

Which is, obviously, completely self-destructive, and entirely unwise. But I know I'm not the only one (which, incidentally, doesn't make this whole ordeal ANY easier at all...even though it? maybe? should?)

To know wisdom and instruction, to understand words of insight, (Proverbs 1:2 ESV)

Oh, to know! To understand! This is my battle, by war, my brain-cell-holocaust. Unfortunately for me, it's been too often on the basis of wanting to understand things that I simply shouldn't... like, for example, EVERYSINGLEDAYOFTHERESTOFMYLIFEMAPPEDOUTINDETAILINFRONTOFME.

Yeah, I know. Stupid, eh? Yet, somehow, my introverted, I-think-I'm-philosophical brain seems hell-bent on sabotaging my sanity by insisting on answers to everything. 

P.S.: when it really boils down to it, I know that I'd be happy with just the next step... but what to do when you don't even feel like you're getting that?

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction. (Proverbs 1:7 ESV)

While I hope with every fibre of my being that I'd not be considered a fool, I know that there are times where my 'fear of God' is definitely more of a 'vague awareness that God is there', maybe with a side of 'thanks for the security when I feel like I need you'. Suffice it to say, I don't think that's what He's particularly looking for. 

In fact, I know it's not. 

And yet, in my search for understanding, for answers, for wisdom and direction, I'm functionally challenged in this regard, according to my track record. 

'Fear of the Lord' communicates the idea of a strong, whole-self awareness of God and who he is, what he's doing, and who you are in relation to him. It anticipates a strong connection to his words, obedience to his promptings, and a desire to pursue his will before anything else...IN EVERY MOMENT OF LIFE. 

Yikes.

My son, be attentive to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Let them not escape from your sight; keep them within your heart. For they are life to those who find them, and healing to all their flesh. (Proverbs 4:20-22 ESV)

For all the time I've spent screaming at the ceiling (in the 'safe' silence of my own head) for 'healing', I've remained blind to the answers sitting right in front of my face. I'm talking holistic healing here-- not just physical... but emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, etc. I fully believe that there's something out there I'm supposed to be doing right now. But I've been so mired down and tied to my tangled mess of WHERETHEHECKISTHEPATHFROMMYHEADTOMYHEART, that I really haven't looked in all the places I know I should.

Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23 ESV)

And therein lies the rub. My heart has been hurt. It's been stormed, besieged, and attacked, and I haven't always done a great job at keeping it. Or feeding it, for that matter. Why? Because life is WAY too busy. Because I'm afraid of drawing boundaries for myself and for my family. Because I consciously and subconsciously worry about how other people will respond. Because I'm too tired.

Because I let these, and many other things, be excuses, rather than reasons. There's a HUGE difference between the two. If only I would begin to function properly in regards to this. 

Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. (Proverbs 4:25 ESV)

And how many times have I let my gaze slip from the goal ahead? Have I always 'run with perseverance'? Sadly, I'm saddened by my track record *pun unintended*, and am gladly amazed that God is still willing to wrestle through this with me... even when I feel like my questions or remarks are going to all come out angry, upset, or snarky. It's surprising the attitude I sometimes find myself in, and then realize... wait a second. I'm pulling a Jonah or an Elijah, sitting here, choked at God for something I feel I'm somehow entitled to...and God looks at me...probably shakes his head and says 'here we go again', and tries to tell me that, like them, I need to get over myself, pick myself up by my bootstraps, and be a man!

I say 'tries', not because God doesn't succeed in telling me... but rather because I do not always succeed in listening or obeying, rather than continuing in my slough of despond.

I love those who love me, and those who seek me diligently find me. (Proverbs 8:17 ESV)

THIS is it. My answer. The thing I knew all along. My step forward. SEEK DILIGENTLY. 

Now, to make it happen.