:Honesty:

I think that when I'm honest, I scare myself.

I am scared to admit the things that are running through my head, scared to entertain the things that may actually be going on... All because it somehow makes me feel like I'm more broken than I'm willing to allow myself to be.

I'm scared to admit that I am upset that things aren't going the way I want me to be going. I am frightened to even dare suggest that I am sometimes choked at God, and that I feel like I am being picked on or beat up on, even though I know that it's not true. 

I am scared to admit how scared I am of not having direction, how prideful I am to think that I should somehow have  all the answers, and how foolish I am to think that I have any control whatsoever on the outcome of my daily decisions (in the sense that I cannot change the effect that my actions have--do this, and x, y, z WILL inevitably happen).

I'm scared to admit that I am broken. That I don't know. That I wish I was doing something that is meaningful with my working hours, but that at the same time, I understand that my attitude towards the jobs I DO have may be part of what is keeping me from actually achieving productivity and meaning within that realm (not to say that I couldn't be doing something else, but everything CAN have meaning if its approached properly).

Really, I'm scared. And maybe what scares me the most is that I thought by this time in my life, I wouldn't be. I thought, growing up, that when I was an adult, I wouldn't have these fears that plague me now. And now, I find myself wishing for when life was simple again... Oh, the things we don't see from our limited perspectives. 

So yeah, I'm scared that I am scared. And I know who has the solution, I've just made excuses (and been too busy) to really take the time to sit down and listen. 

I'm still overly busy... That hasn't changed, even though it does have to, and soon.

But I DO need to be more intentional about listening.